Can You Sleep With Someone Else?

August 4, 2010 in Dating Topic, Uncategorized | No comments

I mean literally. Like, with someone else in the bed?

What can I say about the sleep dilemma? For me, it was one of the things I did much better on my own when I was single. Seriously. I could take up the middle of the bed. Make snow angels in the sheets. Tuck all the pillows around me and between my legs to give the feeling of sleeping on a cloud. (If you’re ever looking for that thing to be thankful for in singledom, it’s sleep!)

Then you start dating someone. We stayed at my place. Then the Coach’s place. Then more back at my place (my bed is much nicer.) The funny thing is I remember it like a girlfriend of mine said over dinner a week ago.

“Didn’t you just love falling asleep in each other’s arms, exhausted after the fooling around entwined in each other’s bodies?” She sighed and continued, “Now, I keep a pillow between me and my husband just so I have enough bed to sleep on.”

Funny how things change? Or do they? I mean, even though I stayed at the Coach’s house to begin with, I tried, very hard, for that to only be on a night when I didn’t have to worry about getting enough sleep. His mattress was so hard my hip cramped up when I tried to sleep on my side. And sleeping swirled together was never our thing.

I envy the couples that can. Can you? I have two friends who sleep arm and arm with their honeys. I can tell you, they’re the only ones. I have a lot more friends and either they have a king size bed OR they have their own sleep strategies for finding their ZZZs. Me, I’m hopelessly devoted to finding the best sleep possible with the Coach. And I’m not ashamed to admit it…when he moved in, we kept both beds. Yes, the condo bedroom was designed like a hotel suite fixed with two queen beds and a shared bedside table. Who says you have to have one bed? The bedroom police?!?!?

I loved it! It meant when we wanted to be together, we would. When I needed the space (The Coach rarely needs it), I had my own bed to myself. But the room was all BED and not much ROOM so we switched to a different layout. And when that happened, my sleep switched too. Just this past week, we switched back to the other room, but with only one bed. Why am I telling you this? I just wanted to share a problem that evidently is prevalent ALL over.

Did you see this article in theNew York Times Sunday Edition (7.25.10) Bedtime Stories by Bruce Feiler? He has hit the nail on the head. Did you know that the National Association of Homebuilders  predicts that by 2015 60% of custom homes will have a dual master bedroom? This means others are  really feeling what I’m feeling.

And check out this question I asked at The Skinny Scoop:

(Do you always get a good night’s sleep snuggling next to your boyfriend/spouse/partner/sig other?)

(If you can’t see the image, click here)

Over 75% of the people who answered said NO!!!!!!

 

You know what, I’m just sharing. There are no answers. Well, I did try one of the things that Bruce suggested in his article – The bedtime Ritual. I always had this before the Coach, but when we meshed our lives together, I completely lost it. He says he likes routine. I can tell you that is one of those things that a person believes to be true about themselves and is ENTIRELY wrong about. I like routine, at bedtime. A quiet room. No TV. My book. Some reading. It erases any stress leftover in my mind. I get to go somewhere else before going to bed. Some hand cream. Some lip balm. Heaven.

What’s your bedtime routine? Can you sleep with your partner? Add a comment below.

Do You Believe In Soul Mates?

July 21, 2010 in Soul Mates | No comments

I got to ask this question of mostly women on this cool, new site called The Skinny Scoop. It’s a place you can ask your burning questions and see what women really think.  And I can tell you here that women, barely a majority, think that Soul Mates do exist.

It’s like an endangered species waiting to be observed in the wild. Where is the Soul Mate? I then thought of another question to ask on The Skinny Scoop, “Is your husband/partner/wife your Soul Mate?”

Here a different story starts to come out. The majority, 70%, believe that their partner is their Soul Mate. Funny, huh? It’s almost like in the abstract, the fabled Soul Mate does not exist. But in the flesh, when we’re talking about your partnership, you believe the person sitting beside you is THE ONE. 

Or is he?

I mean, what does it mean – SOUL MATE? Is it like the Cinderella story that there is only one true love, a renowned prince, who can come and rescue you? Lord, I hope not. I mean, I waited awhile for that bright, white knight to ride up on his trusty stallion, and I can tell you, just by putting those poor guys up on that pedestal (said stallion), they fell off mighty quickly.

Maybe there is another kind of definition for Soul Mate. Maybe “Soul Mate” means the “Mate of your Soul” and add “Right now.” Meaning, that at any time, you are standing right beside your Soul Mate.  Because at that moment in time, that perosn standing beside you is miroring where your soul is right now. At this very minute. It really means “the soul’s reflection”  right now.

Here’s an example…

One thing that I’ve promised myself writing this blog is not to mention old beaus specifically. (I heard through a friend of mine that when a certain ex heard what I was doing, he nearly fell out of his chair.) And I’m not going to start now. But looking back at my dating history, I can see now so far removed, that I dated the EXACT RIGHT PERSON for me at that MOMENT. Meaning, the man that stood in front of me was mirroring back to me my own shortcomings as well as beauty.

For a more specific example, let’s take one of my clients. she sat across from me and told me about the “bad boys” she liked to date.

“Why do you like them?” I asked.

She came up with a flighty sorta-meant-to-be-funny answer and then, she took a breath, and I could tell it was happening to her. The realization. The BIG one. These men were an exact reflection of her own character. And where she was at this Dating Moment. She was unwilling to share her true self and therefore she was attracting men who really didn’t care all that much about her. Get the picture?

I’m still defining what I think SOUL MATES means. My definition is expanding as I get older, and hopefully wiser. One thing I know to be true, the person we’re with right now, is the person we’re suppose to be with.

I wonder, does that mean if we’re alone – not dating anyone –  we’re suppose to be alone working on ourselves? Hhhhmmmm. Something else to consider…

The Latest Fear – BABIES!!!

July 14, 2010 in Pregnancy | 2 comments

 

(Continued from last week)

…I saw that I needed some alone time. Being by myself I can always “wrangle” my feelings which really means that I’m allowing myself to actually feel them instead of masking them with too much busy-ness or socializing. Be alone. See what’s happening. And there it was, fear, coming up around…

BABIES!!!! I know we’ve only been married six-months but as so many of my friends and family remind me, I’m not getting any younger. My fortieth is in November and as so many women have told me, those eggs ain’t getting any younger either.

But here’s the thing, I’m not ready.

(I can hear the voice of one of my friend’s in my ear saying, “But, you’re never ready.”)

For awhile I was working through the HOW am I not ready part…

Finances? Those will always be influx. This retrenched recession has taught us some things about being smarter and wiser. I’m not worried about that now.

Pain? No, the whole birthing process doesn’t scare me. I’ve always been one of those people who wants to experience different things, and I know that being pregnant and having a child is something I’d like to experience. (Even though all the stories from my friends and colleagues have given me more than I need to know. Thanks to the three NYC ladies in the 90’s who, all pregnant at the same time, began to tell me all about episiotomies. I was 24. Could have done without it.)

What is it? And, I finally came to grips with it talking to one of my guy friends. As he said, “You’re life will change forever right then. And the Coach may want to think about what that means for him.” And because so many of my lady friends have told me, I know what it means for me and the Coach, Things Will Never Be The Same. And that is EXACTLY why I’m scared because you know what? We just got here! I mean, we just met (2 years). Got married (6 months) and now it’s time to get pregnant and start our family. UUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I just want some more time. I want the time to be with the Coach. Together. Just being. Normal. Slow. Even keel. Together. Sleeping in. Hiking. Taking trips.

It’s like we finally found each other and now it’s time to open the flood gates. I really want more time. Please…

We just commented on how we couldn’t even remember last summer. With the wedding planning, the celebrating, it was a whir. A fun whir, but nonetheless a whir. This summer feels like a normal life together being able to meander together. I like to meander (when I have the time) and right now, it’s feeling like I don’t.

It’s the same feeling that I had and so many women have when Dating With A Purpose too. Like, they have to find someone before the Baby Alarm sounds and there’s no more time. I get it. The moment I let go of that worry and that striving when dating, that’s the moment I was more relaxed and had more fun.

In blogging this today, I think I may have found my answer. It’s time to say, “Screw time” and connect with what is most meaningful to me right now. The present. And the Coach. As someone just recently reminded me, “When it’s time for that baby to come in, he/she will come.” I found that it is the exact same thing with Soul Mates. They come in when you least expect them and when you are least planning on seeing them. Right? 

Question for next week – Do you believe in Soul Mates?

A 6-Month Check-up?

July 7, 2010 in Dating Topic, Marriage | No comments

 

WOW! It’s been two months since I’ve blogged. My ego definitely wants to know if you missed me. (Did you?) It’s been a struggle these last few months on many fronts…

I’ve struggled with, do I keep this blog going?

I’ve struggled with, how do I get a day job to pay for this passion of writing, coaching and blogging?

I’ve struggled with, who am I now in this new marriage? What are the things we want? And how do I prioritize my needs, the Coaches needs and how does that relate to us building a family? (does having more plants count?)

I’ve had nothing going on and everything at the same time.

That’s why I wanted some distance from Dating With A Purpose. But, I realize now (that I’ve got my day job, whew) that more than ever, I want to share my voice and connect with you. And even more people. Blogging about what I learn and sharing anything on dating, mating and relating.

It’s a constant state. Relating. I mean after you get married, you dont’ stop dating. Well, you literally stop seeing other people (hopefully), but you still have to work at the relating part. I’ve started to notice that the Coach and I are falling back into some bad relating habits. It’s so easy to fall backwards. Moving into the wedding and coming back, I felt I was on high alert to be on my best behavior. But as life starts to throw things our way, the bad habits creep back in.

It’s like right before you go to the dentist. You floss the week before because you think, “Gosh, I don’t want the dentist to think I’ve done a bad job. Don’t want to let him down.” And after the visit, you floss for a couple more weeks. But then, it happens. Before getting ready for bed, you think, “Hmmm, I’m really tired. I’ll brush, and then maybe I’ll floss tomorrow.”

Then tomorrow comes, and you know what? You think, “Oh, I’ll floss tomorrow.” It keeps happening like this until you are not flossing at all. You’ve forgotten about it. All together. Until it’s six months and it’s time again to see the dentist. You are back into your old habit.

It’s the same thing with relationships and their habits. When we date, if we’re dating with a purpose, we’re trying to change some of those bad dating habits. For me, I really tried to change how I relate to myself first and then to men. The biggest thing was actaullyrealizing how I felt and then being able to express it. It was really HARD for me. It took me years of practicing and being able to sit with  myself and having that scary internal dialogue of, “Gosh, how do I really feel about that?”  “Or Him?” or whatever. But, I did get good at.

Then, it’s six months into my new marriage to the Coach.

I guess you could almost look at it like the first dentist appointment coming up. I started to see that I had lost the art of my good habit of being able to express how I felt. This meant that instead of looking under my frustration or my now quicker-temper (where did you come from?) I was just voicing anger/frustration/being short. Yuck. My old way of relating creeping back in. Time for a self diagnosis. Time for my own six-month check-in.

I saw that I needed some alone time. Being by myself I can always “wrangle” my feelings which really means that I’m allowing myself to actually feel them instead of masking them with too much busy-ness or socializing. Be alone. See what’s happening. And there is was, fear, come up around…

(Want to make sure you read next week.)

What are your bad relating habits?

“The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

April 26, 2010 in Dating Topic | 1 comment

My BudE just sent me this reading. She was back east at a wedding last weekend and this was read.

We all have our version of “The List.” Mine is in the January or February posts. This is another version of “The List.” The writer actually wrote it to make sense of how she felt after going to a cocktail party where in her words, “she was going through the motions.” I feel like that all the time hungering to connect with someone on a deeper level. And if it doesn’t happen feeling frustrated that I wasted my time going to the silly party anyway.

Her words describe to me the things I would want to know about my partner. After you read it, tell me, what do you find here?

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, book cover

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
copyright © 1999 by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

The LOVE Clip – How To Tell If Someone Is Gay or Straight

April 23, 2010 in The LOVE Clip | 2 comments

Video Jug is my new favorite web site for dating how-to’s. What I can’t decide as I watch is, are they sincere or as the British say, taking the piss?

I find myself saying, “Yeah, exactly.” And then in another thought, “Really? Would I ever do that?” That’s why I want to share. To see what you think.

Watch the video and tell us, is this something you could use?

If you’re reading this in email click HERE to go to my blog to view the video.

Well, what do you think?

The Client Files – Is Rejection Real Or Not?

April 21, 2010 in The Client Files | 1 comment

A Pout.

That sums up how some of us feel about being rejected when it comes to dating. But is it real? I mean, does someone really reject you or are you letting yourself feel rejected?

Sitting with a friend over lunch today, I got the update on her dating life. She’s just put herself back out there and already she’s getting some icy responses as well as some good ones.

It never ceases to amaze me how hard we are on ourselves.

Even though she has a man who is interested in seeing her, she chose to tell me first about the two men who’ve suddenly disappeared. Meaning, she was emailing with them, it looked like they were going to go out. And then… nothing. No response at all. Radio silence.

“What does that mean?” she asked across the table. And then said she needed some coaching of her own. Could I help?

Sure. Always for a dear friend. I had to remind her of two things:

1. You just never know what is going on with someone. So, if you don’t hear from someone it does you no good to think about it, analyze it or otherwise ponder the ‘no response.’

2. And, dating with a purpose is not putting the emphasis on the other person. It’s about putting the emphasis back on yourself. Dating is practice. You’re practicing being the most authentic, most complete you when you’re dating. The purpose is that there is someone out there who will think and feel that YOU that is out there is the bomb.

Let’s break-down – #1.

In this day and age of internet dating, a whole conversation, a lengthy one takes place before even hearing that person’s voice on the phone. And it’s every dater’s prerogative to either keep that conversation going or to end it. Or sometimes, not to answer because you’re traveling, you have people in town, you’ve got a big presentation… the list goes on.

The key is when you don’t hear from someone, to let it go. Don’t internalize that. Put your focus back on yourself, what you want and get yourself back out there. That’s why I ask is rejection real or not?

Rejection in this sense is a feeling that we actually put on ourselves. You can choose to relate differently to the information you get. Which leads us to #2.

As I was giving my friend advice, we both said, “Write this down.” Let’s see if I can attempt to offer down below what I offered her…

What I said was something like…

“I know that you are starting to second guess all the emails you sent back and forth with these men. And there is only one reason to second guess your responses – if you spent too much time on them. I mean, if you actually crafted an answer trying to deliver something you thought they wanted to hear instead of being yourself, then you can second guess.

But, if you answered honestly, truthfully, in your voice and it’s what you felt, then you put your most authentic self out there. What else can you do?

Nothing. The not hearing from them is not because of something you did or did not say. You’re not hearing from them because of them and whatever else they have going on. Plus, if someone doesn’t “get you” good to see it now rather than later.

This dating thing is the opportunity for you to keep practicing putting yourself out there. When someone doesn’t respond, don’t spend time there. Put your time on the ones responding. And just get out on a date!”

Gosh, I think I said that better in person then writing it. But you get the jest don’t you?

Rejection is only what you tell yourself. Choose to tell yourself something different. Put your energy back on yourself and the positive responses.

When this happens to you, what will you tell yourself?

If You Do It All, Is There Room For Him?

April 19, 2010 in Dating Topic | 2 comments

If you are juggling everything, where is the room for him?

So, in putting the Dating With A Purpose: Purpose Principles together, one of the things I noticed about myself and now I see blatantly running rampant in a lot of my friends, is that if I try to lead in all aspects of my relationship, there is no room left for him. No room for The Coach.

Which is why my book proposal has this chapter:

Principle #7

Aren’t You Tired Already? ~ Let Him Lead.

This chapter shows women that always being the boss, especially in dating, will make you the leader forever. Isn’t it exhausting? Learn how to leave space open for him to lead. Men want to lead. It’s in their nature if given the chance. Real men, not boys, want to be the head of the pack in your relationship and someday for your family. Opening up and allowing for the leadership will nurture you. If you are leading the relationship, where is the room for your man?

(Do you agree or disagree?)

Rewind to couple of weeks ago and you’ll see what I mean. I spent a lot of time with two of my favorite childhood friends. Spring Break 2010! A visit from the east coasters.

I’ve always looked up to these women. They really have it together. Great husbands. Wonderful kids. Stable family life. The only thing is that when I talk to them or spend time with them day to day, I get scared to death.

Why you might ask?

Because when I listen to their lives, I think, “There is no way I’ll be able to do all of that.” Meaning, the job, the husband, the two kids, the planning, the sitters, the social events, the vacations, the planning, the putting to bed, the getting up, the going to school, back to the job, etc, etc, etc. The list keeps going. It scares the SH– out of me. (Jeez, I’m out of breath just writing about it.)

When we speak, they’re breathless. When we can actually have a conversation, it revolves around only the kids. And what I keep thinking is, “I really don’t have it in me to do all of this.”

Then, I noticed something.

They were doing it all. I mean, sometimes their husbands helped when they were asked. But, these wonderful, dear friends were choosing to do it all themselves when they have an able and willing body ready to help. Why?

You know, I can’t even begin to answer that. But what I do know is that when I was dating, I had to soften. A lot. And I wanted to be conscious of it so that when I found my mate, I wouldn’t be doing it all.

One of the things I love about The Coach is early on, since he’s so team oriented, he put a stake in the ground that he wanted to create a partnership. It means neither of us does it all.

Now, I know, you must be thinking, “She doesn’t have kids yet. How does she know?” I do know myself. And I know that in looking as an outsider to the lives of the breathless women, I don’t want to live like that. I want help. And, I don’t always want to be the leader. Sometimes, I want to be told what to do. It’s far easier.

When I talked about this to another friend who started A Band Of Wives, we decided that in order to create this kind of partnership, you have to let go of the outcome. If your husband is going to put the kids to bed, they may still have their clothes on from the day, or maybe their teeth aren’t brushed. Maybe if he dresses them in the morning before school, their hair will be a mess or their clothes won’t match. Will it hurt? One time? Even once a week? Heck no.

And if a wife starts to criticize her husband for the way it was done, there is something that slowly starts to happen. The emasculating of the man. This is the kiss of death. It’s why men leave. It’s why marriages break-up.

What does this have to do with dating? Start good habits now. Set healthy patterns from the beginning. Why do you have to lead all the time? You don’t.

Leave space for him. Build a team. Two are always stronger than one. And it seems more fun.

Breath.

THE LOVE CLIP – MEN! How To Cope With A Receding Hairline

April 16, 2010 in The LOVE Clip | 1 comment

For some reason, today I thought of men’s grooming.

Why?

Maybe it’s because I’ve had some people calling me the female Hitch lately. You know Will Smith as an under-cover love agent for the upwardly mobile? And along with his love coaching, he gives tips to men on how to dress and behave.

I couldn’t resist this video I found on VideoJug. Life Explained. On Film. If you’re reading this in email, please visit the site – www.datingwithapurpose.com – to see the video. You do not want to miss this.

It shows men how to cope with a receding hairline. Enjoy. And pass along.

Men: How would you cope?

Women: Does a receding hairline turn you off? Turn you on? Do you care?

The Client Files – Friends. Are They Good Dating Advisers?

April 14, 2010 in The Client Files, Uncategorized | 1 comment

Not all the time.

Remember when you were in your 20’s. I know, it’s hard. But try. When you were dating. After a great date you’d call your friend and tell her everything… what you had for dinner, what he said to your comment about this, that or the other thing, if he touched you, if he asked you out again. No details were off-limits. You wanted to share. She wanted to hear. And then what?

The analyzing. The “opinionating.” Your friend gave you all her thoughts on the date. What the other person was thinking. What this, that or the other thing meant. Your friend began to project.

[Definition of PROJECT, v. pruh-jekt: Psychology. to ascribe one's own feelings, thoughts, or attitudes to others.]

When I started dating with a purpose, I consciously made an effort not to bring my friends in the loop. Well, maybe a few friends. And a few details. But not a lot. And I was choosy about who I shared with and what I listened to.

This came to mind last week. A friend shared some emails with me that had gone back and forth with her friends. The emails were from a potential suitor. And she was having her friends read and comment on the guy’s emails. When I started reading the emails, I felt icky. Like I was a voyeur to a love affair.

And I also thought to myself, “Did I do that?” Not in my late 30’s. None of my friends really had time to diagnosis or analyze or kvetch over any of it.

I realized it was fun for my friend to share. And she really wanted her girlfriends in on her fun. But was it helping her?

That’s when I finally asked, “Why are you sending these email to your friends?”

When her answer was the same as what I thought, I cautioned her to be careful. One friend’s opinion can cloud a dating situation for the worse. Be careful. Tread lightly.

Another one of my guy clients started out the year with a new dating attitude. When I asked if I could share his story in “The Client Files.” He answered back, “You know, I’m keeping my dating life to myself this year.”

How’s it working out for him? Fantastic. He’s got a lovely new lady in his life. The Coach and I met her a couple of weeks ago over dinner in the Mission. Seems keeping his dating life to himself until he was ready to share worked out.

I think he and I both have the right idea. Be careful who your dating advisers are. Remember to trust yourself, your instincts. When you listen to that voice down deep, it won’t steer you wrong. Even if you’re a little rusty when it comes to dating. Just remember to listen.

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