Taking The Dating Test

On Saturday, friends of the coach threw us our first pre-wedding shower. It was a fantastic party complete with a sunny Stinson Beach day and dear friends. (Thanks!) As it goes with parties that start in the afternoon and run into evening, many of us over-served ourselves. And alcohol, we all know can have a funny effect on people. Some get happier, some quieter, some louder and some people just stay the same.

One of my friends ended up getting emotional about her boyfriend. She felt that he did not appreciate her enough. Instead of engaging in this conversation, I coached her on letting it go right now and waiting ‘til morning to think about it again. It was late. It’d been a long day. Things would look clearer in the morning. Nighttime, regardless of alcohol, can be a tricky time for heartfelt, complicated discussions. Literally, in the daytime, there is more “light” on the subject. Not to mention a clearer head. She obliged my request.

The next day, the hostess asked, “What happened?”

She herself is a studier of psychology and human behavior. “Does she often react like that?”

“No.” I said. Then mentioned she was simply feeling under-appreciated by her boyfriend.

Without missing a beat, the hostess said, “That probably means she doesn’t appreciate herself enough. Usually when someone has an issue with someone like this, it’s a projection, a projection of her own feelings onto her boyfriend.”

She was spot on. “Right,” I answered.

It’s my first Purpose Principle: “Love Yourself! ~ If You Don’t, Who Will?”

I believe that most dating resources continually leave this principle out of their advice. Why? Who knows? But one thing is very clear to me, this is the #1 reason that people fail in dating. They do not take the time out upfront to create a great understanding and love for themselves.

I actually have a test for this principle. Yes, it’s a little corny and maybe a little uncomfortable, but anyone who uses it, knows it works. Here it is:

1. Go into your bathroom. Cut on the light (or vice versa)
2. Stand and face yourself in the mirror.
3. Now, look at yourself. I don’t mean in a critical, “I’m going to clean my pores” sort of way. I mean in an open, loving way. Really look at your eyes.
4. Say to yourself, out loud, “I Love You.”

What happened?

When I tested this on myself in 2004, I was taking a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction class through Duke’s Integrated School of Medicine.

(Vivanista Readers start here)

You know what happened? I could barely say the words. They almost would not come out of my mouth. Tears welled up in my eyes. I cried with myself. A sad, heartfelt tear-jerking experience. I was not consciously able to love myself. If I couldn’t love myself, who else would?

There would be men who tried. I dated during this time, but it never lasted, four months tops. Since I was not fully engaged with my feelings, I couldn’t fully engage in them. (Poor guys.) Which literally meant that I could not tell them how I felt because my own sadness was too great. When I was not in love with myself, I could not love or be loved properly. There was always something missing or some type of drama.

Coming to love myself did not happen over-night. It took years and was a process of deepening. My favorite experiences happened at Miraval Spa and Resort, a place Oprah Winfrey frequented for R&R discovering there was so much more to offer – The Equine Experience, Swing and a Prayer, Quantum Leap, Native American ceremonies – the list goes on. More on this later.

This I do know, when I create drama in my relationships and blame the other person, really it is my own issue. It is not their issue or problem. When that is the case, there is a part of me that needs to be healed or has to come to terms with myself – not the other person. The only person I need to fix is myself. Because I know, if I don’t, who will?

Try the dating test. What happened for you? If you need help, let me know. I have wonderful resources. travis@datingwithapurpose.com