That sums up how some of us feel about being rejected when it comes to dating. But is it real? I mean, does someone really reject you or are you letting yourself feel rejected?
Sitting with a friend over lunch today, I got the update on her dating life. She’s just put herself back out there and already she’s getting some icy responses as well as some good ones.
It never ceases to amaze me how hard we are on ourselves.
Even though she has a man who is interested in seeing her, she chose to tell me first about the two men who’ve suddenly disappeared. Meaning, she was emailing with them, it looked like they were going to go out. And then… nothing. No response at all. Radio silence.
“What does that mean?” she asked across the table. And then said she needed some coaching of her own. Could I help?
Sure. Always for a dear friend. I had to remind her of two things:
1. You just never know what is going on with someone. So, if you don’t hear from someone it does you no good to think about it, analyze it or otherwise ponder the ‘no response.’
2. And, dating with a purpose is not putting the emphasis on the other person. It’s about putting the emphasis back on yourself. Dating is practice. You’re practicing being the most authentic, most complete you when you’re dating. The purpose is that there is someone out there who will think and feel that YOU that is out there is the bomb.
Let’s break-down – #1.
In this day and age of internet dating, a whole conversation, a lengthy one takes place before even hearing that person’s voice on the phone. And it’s every dater’s prerogative to either keep that conversation going or to end it. Or sometimes, not to answer because you’re traveling, you have people in town, you’ve got a big presentation… the list goes on.
The key is when you don’t hear from someone, to let it go. Don’t internalize that. Put your focus back on yourself, what you want and get yourself back out there. That’s why I ask is rejection real or not?
Rejection in this sense is a feeling that we actually put on ourselves. You can choose to relate differently to the information you get. Which leads us to #2.
As I was giving my friend advice, we both said, “Write this down.” Let’s see if I can attempt to offer down below what I offered her…
What I said was something like…
“I know that you are starting to second guess all the emails you sent back and forth with these men. And there is only one reason to second guess your responses – if you spent too much time on them. I mean, if you actually crafted an answer trying to deliver something you thought they wanted to hear instead of being yourself, then you can second guess.
But, if you answered honestly, truthfully, in your voice and it’s what you felt, then you put your most authentic self out there. What else can you do?
Nothing. The not hearing from them is not because of something you did or did not say. You’re not hearing from them because of them and whatever else they have going on. Plus, if someone doesn’t “get you” good to see it now rather than later.
This dating thing is the opportunity for you to keep practicing putting yourself out there. When someone doesn’t respond, don’t spend time there. Put your time on the ones responding. And just get out on a date!”
Gosh, I think I said that better in person then writing it. But you get the jest don’t you?
Rejection is only what you tell yourself. Choose to tell yourself something different. Put your energy back on yourself and the positive responses.
When this happens to you, what will you tell yourself?