If you are juggling everything, where is the room for him?
So, in putting the Dating With A Purpose: Purpose Principles together, one of the things I noticed about myself and now I see blatantly running rampant in a lot of my friends, is that if I try to lead in all aspects of my relationship, there is no room left for him. No room for The Coach.
Which is why my book proposal has this chapter:
Aren’t You Tired Already? ~ Let Him Lead.
This chapter shows women that always being the boss, especially in dating, will make you the leader forever. Isn’t it exhausting? Learn how to leave space open for him to lead. Men want to lead. It’s in their nature if given the chance. Real men, not boys, want to be the head of the pack in your relationship and someday for your family. Opening up and allowing for the leadership will nurture you. If you are leading the relationship, where is the room for your man?
(Do you agree or disagree?)
Rewind to couple of weeks ago and you’ll see what I mean. I spent a lot of time with two of my favorite childhood friends. Spring Break 2010! A visit from the east coasters.
I’ve always looked up to these women. They really have it together. Great husbands. Wonderful kids. Stable family life. The only thing is that when I talk to them or spend time with them day to day, I get scared to death.
Why you might ask?
Because when I listen to their lives, I think, “There is no way I’ll be able to do all of that.” Meaning, the job, the husband, the two kids, the planning, the sitters, the social events, the vacations, the planning, the putting to bed, the getting up, the going to school, back to the job, etc, etc, etc. The list keeps going. It scares the SH– out of me. (Jeez, I’m out of breath just writing about it.)
When we speak, they’re breathless. When we can actually have a conversation, it revolves around only the kids. And what I keep thinking is, “I really don’t have it in me to do all of this.”
Then, I noticed something.
They were doing it all. I mean, sometimes their husbands helped when they were asked. But, these wonderful, dear friends were choosing to do it all themselves when they have an able and willing body ready to help. Why?
You know, I can’t even begin to answer that. But what I do know is that when I was dating, I had to soften. A lot. And I wanted to be conscious of it so that when I found my mate, I wouldn’t be doing it all.
One of the things I love about The Coach is early on, since he’s so team oriented, he put a stake in the ground that he wanted to create a partnership. It means neither of us does it all.
Now, I know, you must be thinking, “She doesn’t have kids yet. How does she know?” I do know myself. And I know that in looking as an outsider to the lives of the breathless women, I don’t want to live like that. I want help. And, I don’t always want to be the leader. Sometimes, I want to be told what to do. It’s far easier.
When I talked about this to another friend who started A Band Of Wives, we decided that in order to create this kind of partnership, you have to let go of the outcome. If your husband is going to put the kids to bed, they may still have their clothes on from the day, or maybe their teeth aren’t brushed. Maybe if he dresses them in the morning before school, their hair will be a mess or their clothes won’t match. Will it hurt? One time? Even once a week? Heck no.
And if a wife starts to criticize her husband for the way it was done, there is something that slowly starts to happen. The emasculating of the man. This is the kiss of death. It’s why men leave. It’s why marriages break-up.
What does this have to do with dating? Start good habits now. Set healthy patterns from the beginning. Why do you have to lead all the time? You don’t.
Leave space for him. Build a team. Two are always stronger than one. And it seems more fun.