The Latest Fear – BABIES!!!

(Continued from last week)

…I saw that I needed some alone time. Being by myself I can always “wrangle” my feelings which really means that I’m allowing myself to actually feel them instead of masking them with too much busy-ness or socializing. Be alone. See what’s happening. And there it was, fear, coming up around…

BABIES!!!! I know we’ve only been married six-months but as so many of my friends and family remind me, I’m not getting any younger. My fortieth is in November and as so many women have told me, those eggs ain’t getting any younger either.

But here’s the thing, I’m not ready.

(I can hear the voice of one of my friend’s in my ear saying, “But, you’re never ready.”)

For awhile I was working through the HOW am I not ready part…

Finances? Those will always be influx. This retrenched recession has taught us some things about being smarter and wiser. I’m not worried about that now.

Pain? No, the whole birthing process doesn’t scare me. I’ve always been one of those people who wants to experience different things, and I know that being pregnant and having a child is something I’d like to experience. (Even though all the stories from my friends and colleagues have given me more than I need to know. Thanks to the three NYC ladies in the 90′s who, all pregnant at the same time, began to tell me all about episiotomies. I was 24. Could have done without it.)

What is it? And, I finally came to grips with it talking to one of my guy friends. As he said, “You’re life will change forever right then. And the Coach may want to think about what that means for him.” And because so many of my lady friends have told me, I know what it means for me and the Coach, Things Will Never Be The Same. And that is EXACTLY why I’m scared because you know what? We just got here! I mean, we just met (2 years). Got married (6 months) and now it’s time to get pregnant and start our family. UUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I just want some more time. I want the time to be with the Coach. Together. Just being. Normal. Slow. Even keel. Together. Sleeping in. Hiking. Taking trips.

It’s like we finally found each other and now it’s time to open the flood gates. I really want more time. Please…

We just commented on how we couldn’t even remember last summer. With the wedding planning, the celebrating, it was a whir. A fun whir, but nonetheless a whir. This summer feels like a normal life together being able to meander together. I like to meander (when I have the time) and right now, it’s feeling like I don’t.

It’s the same feeling that I had and so many women have when Dating With A Purpose too. Like, they have to find someone before the Baby Alarm sounds and there’s no more time. I get it. The moment I let go of that worry and that striving when dating, that’s the moment I was more relaxed and had more fun.

In blogging this today, I think I may have found my answer. It’s time to say, “Screw time” and connect with what is most meaningful to me right now. The present. And the Coach. As someone just recently reminded me, “When it’s time for that baby to come in, he/she will come.” I found that it is the exact same thing with Soul Mates. They come in when you least expect them and when you are least planning on seeing them. Right? 

Question for next week – Do you believe in Soul Mates?